On Connection
I am connected to me.
I'm one of the biggest proponents of self-care out there. And, yet, this is where I've found myself floundering these past weeks.
In my time away from Ori, I either feel an overwhelming to work, meal plan, buy groceries, catch up with friends, and operate at 110% efficiency. (For the record, this isn't sustainable. Duh.)
I know something is up when my partner looks at me with a combination of weariness and asks jokingly, "How's our mood today?" And, yes, when I'm in that state, even him asking that annoys me.
The struggle has been feeling that familiar inertia of needing to prove myself - hello, darkness, my old friend! And underneath that is the shadow of not (good) enough. You know the drill…not a good enough mother, partner, daughter, etc.
My work has been cut out for me: To see and hear the highly sensitive child within me that makes choices in fear of separation and disapproval…and meeting her with comfort and reassurance.
I love you exactly as you are, I repeat to her soothingly.
So what is the secret to resolving this striving…this yearny-ness?
Can I have a never-ending list of worries and simultaneously feel content?
Is it OK to be me where I am right now? And deign I ask, could it even be joyful for me to be where I am right now?
As all the spiritual teachers will tell you, you are exactly where you need to be.
The perfect storm of (incidents) and support that led the way connection:
Reading The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck, and aligning with 1 degree choices. This is officially the best book I've read in 2021. (Even though I know 2021 isn't over yet I am still confident enough to say this!)
A kinesiology session with Principal Kinesiologist Brett Scott at Kinesiology Asia. The first affirmation that showed up in that session was I am connected to me. Our inner wisdom never ceases to amaze me!
Becoming so grumpy and unproductive that I could barely stand to be with myself, then dragging myself to the beach, where I stood so long in the water in hesitation about whether to swim or not THAT A FISH BIT ME. I took that as a sign to finally get moving and swim. I felt leaps better after the ocean therapy and doing nothing sesh.
As Martha will tell you (and, yes, we're on a first name basis now), if you don't feel your heart in something, then either rest or play.
So, that's the plan. I'll let you know how it goes.
Wishing you lots of heart in it moments, rest and play as we head into summer on this side of the hemisphere!
Much love,
Lia