Soul Portrait

A few days before June’s super blood moon eclipse, I had a Soul Portrait photo shoot on Lantau with a local healer and artist by the name of Valerie. I’d been feeling like I wanted some nice photos of myself, and as I typically dread photo shoots and how awkward they can be, and this sounded like the perfect experience: Photos of you shot in nature to capture the essence of your soul? Yes, please!

We began on a beautiful grassy knoll. I dance with a tree, barefoot on the grass. Feeling like I haven't had this much fun since…I CAN’T REMEMBER WHEN. (I guess this is my idea of fun?!!)

I'm a little self-conscious in the beginning as I all of a sudden become aware that Valerie has a camera, but somehow the presence of the tree is reassuring and makes me feel at home.

I play my ukulele, and start to strum a song, one of many written for Ori. Valerie pauses and tells me, "I feel Ori in this song!" To which I exclaim, "Yes, it's his song. I wrote it for him!"

I strum and think of him.

The next stop is a waterfall. We move further downstream towards a fallen tree and it's starting to get really hot. I’ve changed into a long dress and it’s beginning to feel suffocating, sticking to my sweaty legs. And there are a million bugs everywhere. I watch them scatter around my feet as I gingerly pick my way down the stream, carefully choosing each rock to step on.

I'm uncomfortable. I don't feel free.

Valerie is asking me to imagine something, and dance around like a goddess, and I feel like all I can focus on is how goddamn uncomfortable I am.

There are mosquitoes everywhere and giant ants...and I don't know where to step.

I want to dance, but I can't for fear of losing my footing.

She changes her tone and then asks me to feel into the discomfort. I begin to feel extremely irritated. Why am I here again? I want to get out of here.

She asks me what I'm feeling.

I feel like I can't move, I say. I'm stuck! I can't move freely on the rocks. And with this long itchy dress, which I am beginning to regret.

She asks me to feel into it again. And tells me to get angry.

I don't feel angry. Just frustrated.

She asks me to scream.

I do but then I laugh nervously, annoyed at this seemingly whole ridiculous situation.

"It's not funny!" she exclaims. "Stop wearing that mask and smiling and being that nice person when you don't feel that way! It's enough of wearing that mask! It’s not you!”

I'm shocked. Did she really just say that?

WTF?!!

I'm shocked because it’s, well, shocking.

But, it also resonates so deeply with what I've been feeling lately.

Lately? Or always?

Well, it cuts right to the core of kind of how I’ve always felt in my life.

The need to always be nice, and pleasant. The peacemaker. Smile and carry on. Grin and bear it. Don’t make a scene. Don’t upset people. For heaven’s sake, don’t rock the boat.

I still don't feel angry. I just feel a deep sadness. And a grief so overwhelming I start sobbing.

I sit down on the rock I’m standing on, hugging myself.

I surrender. I cry and cry and cry. I don't care about the insects or the heat. Or the itchy dress.

I still think about where those tears come from. It’s mostly the sadness for not feeling accepted, or authentically me, and not feeling truly seen or heard. And often feeling like my sensitivity is a burden.

I continue sobbing and I don't know how much time passes. I cry and cry. Valerie isn’t surprised. She murmurs soothingly acknowledging my sadness.

The tears eventually subside and I notice inky black ants, walking purposefully across a vine.

A shiny red millipede slips out of the fallen leaves and back under the twigs.

Valerie asks me if I've seen the Sound of Music. I nod and she gestures to the music playing, which is a version of “My Favourite Things”.

I feel so moved, a fresh wave of tears pours forth.

(This song is on Ori's playlist and one we play often at home.)

It's been so long since I've been in touch with my favourite things. My very favourite things when I was a child. The favourite things of my essence. 

I have a memory of me trying to re-configure the toilet system at home to so it could save water.

Making a difference, caring for the planet. Taking in stray dogs, caring for Mother Earth.

I'm an idealist at heart. I always have been.

I cry because I feel like I'm not in touch with that spirit within me, but then realise that she's there, and she's been there all along.

I mourn that there are aspects of my life now that are out of integrity with my heart's desires, but also recognise the fear and the conditioning that's been behind so many of her choices.

After all the tears have poured out of me, I begin to move around. Explore. Chat with Valerie and even crack a joke here and there.

I feel like she's with me every step of the way. Holding space for me. And that the trees, rocks, water and even the insects are holding space for me, too.

We eventually leave the waterfall with me feeling exhausted and thirsty. We head back to her place and refuel with coconut water and share a sourdough fig bun from the Village Bakery.

The last stop is the beach…my happy place!

We enjoy the coolness of the water and the softness of the sand. We dance salsa on the beach, setting intentions under an almost eclipsing moon. With her support, I set the heartfelt intention to attract the clients that I will truly be able to help. Knowing my worth. And if I should ever feel those moment of self-doubt again, to look at these pictures to remind myself.

Valerie also exclaims at one point, "You are so sweet! This is your nature." Which reminds me of Jim, a fellow kinesiologist and dear friend in Bali, an affirmation he's given to me many times: Life is sweet, and so am I. I can be a changemaker on my own terms. A gentle rebel.

I revel in the sensation of the sand and the water and the waves.

Being alive. Being.

I comb the sand with my fingers and lay down in the surf. Feeling Mama Ocean wrap herself around me and soak through my hair. Feeling all those sensations so deeply is soothing to my soul.

My senses, my sensitivity, feel like a blessing, a vehicle to bliss.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" She asks from behind the camera.

I look straight at her, and for the first time I no longer feel self-conscious.

After the release, what's left is…me, a lighter version without the grief and sadness.

There is so much more to Valerie's magic, but this is part of it. To capture the very essence of you on film.

I am so deeply committed to holding space for Ori and his feelings. That day it was time to have someone do the same for me.

And I was reminded of just how powerful, how healing and how wonderful it can be—and why I care so deeply about this work.

Simply being in the presence of another compassionate human is all it takes for emotions to feel welcome, expressed, and to allow healing to take place.

I am so grateful for this experience, for the sisterhood, Valerie’s honesty, artistry and for so gently holding space for my tender heart.

These soul portraits will forever remind me of the beauty of being human: the joys, the sorrows, and the magic of release to return to the lightness of our more authentic selves. A visual reminder to myself that all of me is welcome, all of me is loved.

This is a reminder to you, too.

All of you is welcome, all of you is loved.

To work with Valerie, you can find her on Instagram here or reach out her at valerie.wellness@gmail.com.

Much love,
Lia