Sleeping Through The Nigh
Dear Lovely,
Let me preface this post by saying that this is my initial Aware parenting “aha” moment. I found these words in my journal dated September 23, 2020, well before I became an Aware parenting instructor. I wrote it in triumph after Ori started sleeping through the night. Previously I had struggled with finding a truly holistic, and trauma-informed approach to sleep until I came across the philosophy of Aware parenting, developed by Aletha Solter, Ph. D. Her work has profoundly impacted my life, and it continues to do so! My hope is that this will inspire parents to approach sleep with the mindset that sleep doesn’t need to be learned, our children have the innate ability to relax—we just need to understand and create the conditions for them to do so.
Much love,
Lia
I believe that children are born knowing intuitively what they need to heal.
I strive to parent in a way that respects that.
Today is a momentous occasion.
Ori slept through the night last night!
(Even after that fact that I’ve re-adjusted my expectations re babies sleeping through the night.)
It’s been a little over one week where we’ve been implementing Aware parenting’s “crying in arms” (where a child is lovingly held and listened to while they cry after all immediate needs have been met). I have not been nursing Ori to sleep. We are a co-sleeping family, and while I am a huge fan of co-sleeping, it doesn’t mean that you are immune to frequent night wakings, so we have been struggling with that just the same!
Since we’ve started listening to feelings, Ori’s been crying much more during the day. Like having a proper cry once or twice a day before his naps and always with either Joris or myself holding him. He sleeps so well after and is so relaxed. Quite a few time, the crying has been quite intense…with a lot of squirming and squiggling and back arching and his cries are LOUD. Especially when I’m holding him and it’s right in my ear. There was clearly a backlog of emotions, and he did have traumatic birth experience, which I think a lot of the feelings were about. The process isn’t easy for me. I am so tempted to shush and sing and bounce him to stop the crying. However, it has gotten easier now that I see how relaxed he is after the cries. It’s revolutionary! Crying-in-arms also made so much sense to me because many times clients will cry during a kinesiology session (and I have cried during many of my own), which I think can be a beautiful part of the healing process. I listen without trying to fix, bounce, shush them or offer them food…so why do we treat children differently?
Well, hearing babies cry can trigger a lot. It’s not easy because of culture and conditioning. The first time I let him cry freely while holding him (knowing he wasn’t hungry, sick or needed a diaper change), I was sweating profusely and had to blast the AC. It definitely triggered a survival response in me. I felt adrenaline course through my veins. Panicked, doubtful thoughts raced through my head, “Maybe he has an ear infection. Maybe this is crazy. Maybe something is really wrong.”
I’ve had a night the past week where the crying lasted more than an hour and I felt my anxiety increase. I had a good cry myself the next day to Joris, a bit of a release myself. I realised then it really wasn’t about Ori, but about re-parenting myself and reaching another level of truly being comfortable with emotions. Since then it’s gotten a lot easier. I’m able to hold space for Ori and breathe and really feel into my heart space, like I do for clients in my kinesiology practice.
We live with my parents and it’s been very hard for them to understand, although they do try. I’m realising that it can be so challenging when we are conditioned to see feelings as something very wrong, and culturally we learn that we are not acceptable when we feel or express our feelings. It’s a work in progress for me to understand for myself, and when I’m frustrated in relating to others, too.
Why do we spend so much energy trying to stop the crying? Why is it so, well, wrong? It was, and continues to be, a paradigm shift for me. When we understand the reasons why babies cry—that in addition to communicating needs, they also cry to express feelings and to release stress and tension—it makes beautiful sense. And encourages us to support this amazing wisdom of our bodies.
I saw something very beautiful on Marion Rose, Ph.D.’s website:
I am here for you.
I am listening.
I love you exactly as you are.
I remember these words as Ori is crying. I whisper them to him. They became my mantra.
And the peaceful sleep we are both enjoying aside, the crying has made us closer. Ori’s sharing and me listening is an intimacy that I never would’ve imagined. I want him to always feel that he will always be loved exactly as he is, and that is always safe for him to come to me with those big feelings. He is so much more relaxed and sleeps so deeply. It’s night and day compared to all the months prior where he’s had a restless sleep, woke easily (floorboards creaking were our nemesis) and frequent wakings.
The difference is remarkable.
(We’ve gotten rid of our white noise machine, which I know people love but personally couldn’t stand it. It felt like sleeping in an airplane!)
I am grateful to have such a healthy, beautiful and funny snuggle muffin.
I am grateful to have a supportive partner who trust me and supports the choices I make, and was game to try this with me in a heartbeat.
I am grateful for the mentorship of Marion Rose, and the 1:1 support of Rebecca Sheikh of Flourishing Childhood. They are both Level 2 Aware Parenting Instructors. I’ve realised that having community support and empathic listening is imperative when we’re parenting in ways that we ourselves were not parented. It’s a big ship to turn around, and we sure could use all the help we can get. #parentingforanewparadigm #normalisesupport
To get started on understanding the conditions your child needs for a good night’s sleep, sign up to download my (free) Guide to Peaceful Sleep. For more on the healing power of tears, check out this article I wrote for The New Moon.
For guidance, and support on parenting (and big loving doses of empathy!), I’m here for you. Schedule an Aware parenting consultation or sign up for the Peaceful Sleep series here.