Why Do Babies Cry?
I used to think it was because something was wrong, that babies cried because something was horribly wrong, they were will or weren’t getting need met. (And that the crying was something that had to be stopped or distracted from immediately or it meant I was a terrible mother!)
I’ve learned that in fact crying has two important functions, which has given me a different perspective.
The 2 Reasons Why Babies Cry
1. Communication: Communicating an immediate need like hunger, thirst, discomfort, the need to be held, etc.
2. Healing: Crying is natural healing mechanism to release stress and tension, and to heal from trauma.
Knowing this changed things for me because it suggested that even though my son’s immediate needs were met, he could need to cry because he had big feelings to express. This totally made sense given we had a rather stressful end to the pregnancy and a traumatic, unplanned C-section belly birth, in addition to the fact that babies are extremely vulnerable and may find many things stressful.
Being present and lovingly listening to the crying, either with babes in arms (known as “crying in arms” in Aware Parenting), while reminding them that we love them and that it’s OK to cry can be so healing. This approach can help babies, children (and parents!) sleep better because the crying is an innate relaxation mechanism to release stress and tension. This gives children the relaxation they need to have deep and peaceful sleep, without ever leaving them to cry alone.
The most important thing to remember is that: Babies need presence and closeness whilst crying. Always.
It can be so challenging to be lovingly present for our child’s tears: Culturally it’s been considered taboo, and especially hard if our own hurts weren’t lovingly listened to when we ourselves were children. Listen to as much as you are comfortable with. Even a little loving listening can go a long way.
For parents, it can be so helpful to have a listening partner (like a friend, therapist, Aware Parenting facilitator), so that we can share the big feelings that come up in relation to our child’s tears and tantrums, and maybe have a cry ourselves. I’ve found it so helpful to have weekly Aware Parenting support sessions of my own.
It may also help to connect with the younger parts of us that yearned to be heard, and comfort that younger version of you with:
I hear you.
I Iove you.
I’m listening.
I’m here with you.
You are safe.
It’s OK for you to cry.
Go gently.
Much love,
Lia
If you would like more support on tears, tantrums, listening to big feelings or sleep, I’m here to help. Schedule an Aware parenting consultation here.