The Beauty of Tantrums

I’m deeply committed to holding space for Ori and his big feelings.

I decided to make this commitment when I first came across Aware Parenting…and getting a better night’s sleep for the entire family has further strengthened this commitment!

In Aware Parenting, there is something called crying-in-arms (CIA), which is when a baby has all his or her immediate needs met, and needs to release stress, tension or hurts by crying. We hold them and listen lovingly to them while they cry. We started doing this with Ori when he was 7 months old, and it was life changing. For more on my CIA experience with Ori, read this column I wrote for The New Moon on the healing power of tears.

The CIA situation transitions when they become toddlers, in that they typically want a bit more freedom to walk around cry, and rage.

This is the transition that we’ve been going through as of late.

With this transition, Ori would often have a cry before or after his afternoon nap. I’ve noticed that this cry hasn’t been happening as of late. And the past 3 days, Ori hasn’t been sleeping well. As a result, neither have I. He’s been tossing and turning and falling asleep before his naps and bedtime have taken longer than usual. And he wakes easily, wanting to cling to my thumbs all night.

It’s been the fourth day of not sleeping well. I have a stiff neck. My outlook on life is a little dimmer than usual. And I’m wondering what changed.

It hits me as of yesterday. We’re playing and he sees my phone and demands to start looking at photos on it. I tell him I’m not willing to have him look at the phone again, and that we’ve already had our screen time. He starts crying but immediately demands to be picked up and points to where he wants to go. I don’t pick him up. I sit with him on the floor and tell him it’s OK to cry. I understand he’s upset because he wants to look at my phone again. He cries more and pulls at my shirt, wanting me to stand up. Then the tantrum starts. I tell him, “Mama’s not willing to get up right now, Ori. I’m going to sit here and be right here with you. I love you. It’s OK to be mad. I see that you’re mad, and that’s OK. I’m going to stay right here with you.”

Ori’s fuming at this point and starts stomping his little feet like a flamenco dancer. He comes over and tries to climb into my lap, then gets out and tries to pull me up again. Stomp, stomp stomp, repeat. More crying and raging.

“I know. I see you. I know you’re upset. I love you.”

I’m empathic, and listening, but I’m also absolutely enthralled.

All I can think about is the wooden toy that Dr. Solter (the founder of Aware Parenting) uses to explain the “broken cookie” phenomenon in this video:

The explosiveness of it. It’s electric.

Watching Ori do this tantrum dance is absolutely exquisite: The diffusing of rage, frustration and upset, and the release of it through our bodies is incredibly beautiful.

According to Aware Parenting, children make use of small pretexts in order to unload an accumulation of stress. These healthy tantrums can help children restore homeostasis by releasing painful emotions through crying, screaming, and active body movements.

I realise that by setting loving limits (a term coined by Marion Rose, Ph. D.), meaning: Establishing clear boundaries and holding space for whatever feelings arise, I’m giving Ori the chance to make use of that pretext to unload an accumulation of stress.

The tantrum winds down naturally on its own. Usually with Ori snuggled against my shoulder, his cheek laying across my heart. Sometimes he’ll ask for a song, or smile, and I know that it’s complete. The ride on the wave is over.

We continue with bath time and bedtime. He falls asleep quickly, and he’s so relaxed. He doesn’t wake up the whole night.

During his afternoon nap the next day, he simply curled up next to me, his head resting on my belly, and we both fell asleep. I had to pee at one point and slipped out from beneath him to go, and he didn’t stir at all. I can just see the difference in his body—how he is so free from stress and tension, compared to when he doesn’t get that release.

I am reminded again of how simple, and effective the Aware Parenting approach can be.

It makes me think of myself, too, my stiff neck, and the tension we hold. How much of it is raging and tears, accumulated stress that needs to be felt, truly acknowledged, and released?

It was truly a beautiful experience, an honour to witness and support my child’s innate ability to release stress, and restore balance to his body.

Ironically as I am now ready to hit publish on this post, I would like to say that as much as I can appreciate the beauty of a tantrum, there are moments like now where I find them incredibly triggering. I have a visible physical reaction, which manifests as an allergic reaction, when Ori pushes my hands away, stomps his feet and shows me his no. My eyes begin to itch, and my nose starts running. I feel helpless and frustrated. I realise that this is also due in part because I didn’t have tantrums, nor the opportunity to exercise my autonomy, or express my noes, both in school or at home. My stress coping mechanisms have a tendency towards repression and dissociation, something that I’ve spent some energy and aware to untangle. It’s a work in progress. Wherever you are on your journey, I am sending you so much love and acknowledging that indeed it can be both beautiful, while also extremely challenging!

For more on tantrums, check out this episode of The Aware Parenting Podcast:

Much love,
Lia