We Can Do Hard Things (Like Parenting)

The other day, my dear friend Christina messaged me the news:

“New episode on We Can Do Hard Things,” she wrote. “On parenting. Bawling in public.”

I was so excited and couldn’t wait to listen to it!

I did manage to listen to it the next day and was filled with glee. And, yes, I bawled, too, listening to Glennon (we’re on a first name basis now) tell the story of her son Chase and the cicadas. I feel those pulls on my heart strings already almost every day with Ori…and I struggle with those tugs on my heart, too.

I resonated with so much of what she said, especially parenting as activism and re-shaping the world through parenting. What I really enjoyed was also how she talked about seeing our kids for who they really are, and not shaping them to the world’s expectations, and instead having the world shaped to them.

What really hit home for me was when Glennon talked about kids, pain and feelings, in a way that is very much in alignment with the philosophy of Aware Parenting. She points out that if you ask any parent the qualities that they would like their child to have, it is always similar in a way—the desired traits are always along the lines of something like wise, resilient, and kind. What Glennon points out is that the very thing that creates those qualities is struggle. And painful feelings. And experiencing those painful feelings. Feeling the feels. Feeling makes us wise, resilient and kind. It teaches us to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves, and with others, too.

A major component of Aware Parenting is being present with babies and children during their big emotions, and not distracting, deflecting or shutting them down. From a physiological perspective, tears and tantrums are how our children heal from stress, trauma and release tension.

I love how Glennon points out that there’s been a cultural narrative that has taught us to be afraid of pain, and not to trust it. And why the aversion to pain? Because we perceive pain as failure. Our kids feeling pain, or experiencing upsets like sadness, disappointments or rage, can makes us feel like failures. When we see others in pain, or our children in pain, it’s easy for us to deflect or or not admit that we feel pain, and just to make it go away…pacify it somehow, distract or, in some cases, even ignore with the hope that it will eventually stop. I can definitely relate to this. Before I came across Aware Parenting, I would feel a desperation to stop Ori’s crying, as I perceived his distress was a response to a need I wasn’t meeting, which could be true in some cases, but it could also be a needed release, which I wasn’t conscious of at the time.

What I loved most about this episode is that Glennon touched on something that I feel and haven’t been able to articulate. I deeply, deeply believe in a new paradigm: a trauma-informed paradigm of health, well-being and parenting, but sometimes it feels difficult to butt heads with cultural and social norms. When Ori cries, most people around me (whether friends, family or complete strangers) will try to distract or deflect his crying (all with the best of intentions, of course), instead of acknowledging it. I never thought anything of this response to kids crying, but now I find it quite bizarre and, at times, downright frustrating. Its analogous to, say an adult friend of yours crying and expressing their hurts to you. Would you respond by waving food or toys in front of you as a distraction? Or by bouncing them up and down, while singing to them or rocking them while you shush them?

Anyhoo…I digress! What I’m trying to say, is that when I feel that I meet resistance with how I choose to parent, I sometimes feel a shred of doubt inside me. My thought process is something like this: I believe so deeply that listening to and acknowledging feelings is intuitively right for me, but other people don’t see it, so maybe it isn’t right? I know it’s also more complicated than that.

It’s not so much about the outside resistance as it is about the internal resistance, too, and shifting this comfort with pain within myself.

I hope to shift this in myself and embody it for Ori. Continual work in progress.

When we are OK with being who we truly are—our authentic selves—and not who the world expects us to be, sometimes it’s not easy. Period. I’ve felt this more poignantly, since I’ve began this journey, and have needed to express myself more strongly through my choices in birth, well-being, and in parenthood. These choices have been met with their share of judgment. Because my choices or my thinking seem so different to whatever is mainstream, and the judgment can be harsh, sometimes I do doubt myself. Which is why I so appreciated hearing Glennon say that sometimes she has doubt, too, but to keep saying it and believing it, saying it and believing it. And to keep showing up.

Parenting counter-culture and living counter-culture can wear on you if you let it.

What I’m learning is that a community is important, and surrounding myself with others with this passionate commitment to create a new paradigm is important, too. I’m learning that the support also helps with gaining peace and acceptance of who you are, which helps with peace and acceptance of others, too. That being said, I’ve just set up a local community of support! If you’re based in Hong Kong and interested in Aware Parenting, join the Aware Parenting Hong Kong Facebook Group here.

Dear Glennon and Amanda, thank you for the insight, validation, support, the tears and the laughs! As they said so eloquently in this episode:

As parents, we are special forces.

We are heroes.