Child Rearing That Doesn't Traumatize, A Recap
Have you been tuning in to The Wisdom of Trauma talks? They were a series of talks based on the The Wisdom of Trauma documentary about the importance of trauma-informed care, which is something I care very deeply about. If you haven’t seen it yet, needless to say and re-iterate if you have visited my blog before, it is a must-see!
One of the talks I caught this time around that I made sure to watch was Child-Rearing That Does Not Traumatize with Dr. Gabor Maté, Darcia Narvaez, Gordon Neufeld, Ph. D., Kate Silverton & Muffy Mendoza. There were so many gems. This is my attempt to capture the takeaways!
(If you missed the talk(s), I believe you will have to purchase an All-Access Pass in order to watch them, which you can do here.)
This is the one that stood out to me the most, probably because it was the most relevant in terms of parenting. The discussion explored the following:
What are the irreducible needs of young humans healthy development?
Contrast between our species’ wellness-promoting pathways and the trauma-inducing systems of the dominant culture
Promoting interpersonal and intrapersonal thriving in the face of a stressful culture
I found this talk incredibly succinct and yet rich with information. I loved “meeting” all the panel participants! Here’s a recap of the parts I found most interesting and useful.
The 4 irreducible needs of children as described by clinical psychologist Gordon Neufeld:
1) Togetherness
The first irreducible need of children is togetherness—togetherness that is not threatened. I believe what Dr. Neufeld is referring to is secure attachment, or for children to be attached to the adults responsible for them. He continues to say that the worse threat that could possibly happen to a child and what causes trauma is separation. They need to face togetherness at all times. Sadly, the worse trauma is one when togetherness itself is a threat.
2) TO FEEL
Children need space to feel. They need to have a time to feel and a safe place and relationship to do so. Feelings need to be expressed in safe relationships with caring adults.
3) TO REST
All growth comes from a place of rest.
4) TO PLAY
Dr. Neufeld calls true play a form of activated rest and refers to play as "nature’s garden of growth".
(For more reading, this article provides more details in an interview with Neufeld on the 4 irreducible needs of children.)
Neufeld points out that all these needs showed up with our ancestors, claiming that hunter gatherers knew how to parent their kids much better than we do. This brings us to Darcia Narvaez, who’s work on ancestral landscapes in human evolution is fascinating. She talks about how our hunter gatherer ancestors knew what was up.
The wisdom of our ancestors with regards to a health, well-being and child-rearing included a soothing prenatal and postnatal experiences, fostering a chemistry that promoted growth.
Babies were welcomed in a climate of togetherness with lots of touch, baby wearing and self-directed play. There were sets of caregivers that love the child, which supports positive biochemistry and neurodevelopment. Our species needs that environment to grow well, otherwise things will shut down.
There was also a connection to nature: Feeling connected to the earth, plants and animals, and understanding your unique connection to the universe.
Also, healing practices were a part of culture—we had ways to heal, let go, and support each other as a group, e.g. through dance, song, etc.
Essentially, we need it all to keep us tuned up and well.
“We need to feel to adapt.” All development is spontaneous, if the conditions are right and our job as parents is to make it safe to feel all feelings.
“Feelings will do the work of growing us up. We cannot grow up any other way, it’s through the path of feelings,” said Neufeld. GEM!
The panel then addresses the plethora of information out there that promotes sleep training and time outs, approaches that are geared towards frazzled parents, which don’t consider a baby’s needs. Approaches that could raise cortisol, which create, in Darcia Navaez’s words “a chemistry of destruction” by dissolving synapses.
Neufeld on why time outs don’t work: They communicate that the child is only acceptable only within certain limits. It can work for all the wrong reasons. It will work for all the wrong reasons. Condition for a child to flourish and thrive is continuous connection: Nothing must come in between. Threaten a child with separation, brain turns itself off out of defence. Use children’s attachments against them, the child becomes alarmed, loses security and only becomes more frustrated, since we are pushing their face into separation. Time outs should be considered taboo because this takes away the primary need for a child for continuous connection.
We then meet Muffy Mendoza, a tribe builder, informational and motivational speaker, author and executive producer at Brown Mamas. As a black woman in America, she said you are often choosing between meeting basic needs (surviving) and healing yourself: “Most black people do not have time to understand their childhood trauma. It’s just not realistic at this point for us yet.”
Black children suffer severely from lack of nurturing. She points out that black people don’t have time, or the economics, how to get out of survival mode.
On why Muffy Mendoza chose to homeschool, she found it healing and a means to take refuge from the dominant culture, and white supremacy and its gaze on white folks.
Parenting can be extremely therapeutic. It brings up everything that one needs to deal with. ANOTHER GEM!
Muffy really gave me something to think about. Homeschooling is something I have been mulling over lately and what she said struck a chord in me: “There’s a difference between education and learning. Learning is what happens when a person gets curious. Education is how we transmit our societal demands onto human beings.”
The average age of weaning in hunter gatherer groups is 4 years of age. In America, many mothers have to go back to work within 6 weeks.
Muffy shared an African proverb: “If a child is not embraced by the village, he will burn it down to feel its warmth” to describe African-Americans in the United States.
I’m sure I missed a lot, so please do check out the talk if what I shared resonates with you. The main takeaways for me?
Have time to understand yourself, so you can understand others.
Parenting can be extremely therapeutic. It brings up everything that one needs to deal with.
Much love,
Lia