On Loving Again: The Magic & Mischief of Subconscious Beliefs
I like to think that I have new imprints on my subconscious mind to thank for the beautiful experiences in my life, which include a committed relationship, an occupation, which I care passionately about, and a more loving relationship with myself. I had once felt very lost and hopeless about these things.
A breakup preceded by many painful breakups spawned my foray into the healing arts and journey of self-discovery. I had moved to a new city to be with him, and was abruptly broken up with over the discussion of marriage and children. This crumbling combined with leaving the familiarity of beloved New York City, and feeling disillusioned with my career triggered a nervous breakdown, followed by depression. In hindsight, it wasn’t so much that particular relationship ending, but more the grief and anger that I was holding so tightly onto being, and even looking, a certain way, just so that I would be loved (in my personal life) and appreciated (in my work) and at that point it didn’t seem to have ever worked out.
What was the common factor in all of these situations? Me. I had to turn inwards. Self-blame and loathing aside, I contemplated what was my role in all of this. Did I keep choosing the “wrong” partner on purpose? Why were these men always noncommittal and emotionally unavailable? Why couldn’t I be in a loving, committed relationship already? What was wrong with me? Where do I go from here?
You don’t have to have a nervous breakdown or a series of fall-flat-on-your-face relationships like I did to justify working on your subconscious programming, but if you’re struggling with something in your life and it’s something that you’ve been struggling with for some time, subconscious beliefs are most definitely worth taking a look at.
Our subconscious mind is the program that’s always running the background. Shaped through our childhood and past experiences, many of these programs can contain beliefs that are disempowering (“I’ll never be good enough”), self- sabotaging (“I don’t deserve to be happy”) and limiting (I’m too old, it’s too late to try something new”).
As much as we’re looking to initiate change, boldly conquer our fears, or leap into the unknown, our subconscious mind’s main concern is to keep us safe. This may express itself as wanting to stay in whatever situation we may be in—whether that be an unfulfilling relationship, a job that isn’t rewarding, etc.—simply because it’s comfortable, and familiar. To the subconscious mind, known equals safe, and the unknown equals danger.
In the course of my kinesiology studies, I had many kinesiology sessions of my own. In kinesiology, we often work with affirmations and check your muscle response to see if it triggers subconscious stress. “Relationships are suffering,” I said aloud during one particular session. According to my muscle response, there was no stress around the statement. It wasn’t stressful to me because it was something I had become accustomed to. It had become a belief that I had acquired based on experience. I was shocked and saddened at my body’s response to this statement.
“I deserve a loving and committed relationship,” was the next one.
Unlike the previous statement, this one showed up as stressful to me. This meant that something about this affirmation was subconsciously, or energetically stressful to me, most likely because I’ve had experiences with not-so-loving and not-so-committed relationships. I remember laying there during that session, tears streaming down my face. Instead of the self-blame and shame that I was used to feeling, for the first time I felt a deep compassion for myself for developing those beliefs. My subconscious mind wasn’t trying to harm me, it was trying to look out for me and this is what it had learned from my experiences thus far. I thanked it for looking out for me, and also acknowledged the grief in my heart. It was a certainty for me at that point: It didn’t have to be that way. The session was able to bring this to my conscious awareness.
The first step in breaking free from limiting subconscious beliefs is to become aware of them.
So, next step: What would I want my relationship to be?
“I deserve a loving, committed, affectionate, and supportive relationship.” I tried switching it out a few different words like worthy of instead of deserve, but for me deserve felt the most charged. I think part of me felt like since that type of relationship hadn’t appeared yet, perhaps I wasn’t so deserving of it after all.
It was after those sessions where the power of the subconscious mind became apparent to me, and I was able to be truly present with the emotions around the memory of those experiences that had led to them.
I persisted in my daily life to facilitate the reprogramming of my limiting subconscious beliefs. I began my day writing affirmations therapeutically in cursive (“I am loved, loving and lovable” was one of my favorites), listening to them before going to sleep and resorted to tapping (EFT) whenever I felt shaky. It was then that I felt a significant change within—a change in mindset, a change in frequency. I was more confident in my heart, and more loving and accepting of myself, whether I was in a relationship or not.
I would not have met my partner-in-love when I did, if I did not have my subconscious mind on board. Perhaps I still would have due to fate, karma or Divine Will. However, there’s no doubt in my mind that without the work, there is quite the possibility that I would’ve made it that much more challenging for myself.
It’s a work in progress and may always be. As I write this, I am reminded to examine the program running in the background that may be contributing to my behaviour and emotional responses in my current relationship. And, I am thinking, that perhaps it is time for me to do some work on them again. When faced with uncertainty or in times of change or upset, it can be easy to slip back into our old habits, our more comfortable ways of being. My go-to’s? “I love and approve of myself. I love and appreciate myself. I love and accept myself.” (I will be forever grateful for the legendary Louise Hay.)
What are your intentions for 2023? For your heart? For your health?
No matter what you say you want, if you have an underlying subconscious belief that it isn’t possible for you, you might not allow yourself call it in. Ideally, we want to be at peace with the things we strive for.
Becoming aware of limiting and negative subconscious programming that is not in line with your goals helps ensure that you are aligned to that which you desire to attract, and that you’re less likely to get in your own way with self-sabotaging behaviour.
Consider this an invitation to take time for yourself and potentially get curious. No matter where you’ve been, or what you’ve experienced, there is always hope. Our brains are malleable! Start by writing your intention, journal around it, and clearly affirm what it is that your heart desires. Try incorporating these words in your statements: that you want, you can, are able, deserve, are worthy of, and believe that [insert heart’s desire here] is possible for you.
Then…be still, and listen.
Is there any part of the statement that feels prickly to you? If so, why might that be so? Is there anything that you’re aware of that’s stopping you from making that change?
Once the awareness is there, or you’ve resolved any lingering emotions around what feels charged to you, bring this reprogramming into your daily practice: It could be in the form of mirror work, or listening to positive affirmations before sleep (I suggest recording them in your own voice) or writing those empowering statements every morning upon waking. If you feel stuck, ask for help. These things can be deeply ingrained and can benefit from some gentle guidance. Hypnotherapy and kinesiology are great options. Craniosacral therapy has provided wonderful support for me, too.
Here’s to having those intentions come true for you, or something better. :)
[This piece was originally published for The New Moon]
I’m here to help. To uncover blocks and support you on reprogramming your subconscious mind, book a kinesiology session with me here.