Shyness & Sensitivity: What To Say Instead Of "You're So Shy"
I’ve had people on the street come up to me when I’m out with Ori, and attempt to interact with him. When he burrows his face into my shoulder or tries to hide—which, by the way, is not an unreasonable response if you ask me—they usually exclaim, “He’s so shy!”
It’s happened to me enough times to contemplate why this didn’t feel very right to me and how to respond instead of having to agree with the strangers or be at a loss for words. I guess the word “shy” felt off to me because it was a) inaccurate, since Ori for the most part is not shy, and b) he just didn’t feel like talking or interacting at that moment, or perhaps his nervous system felt that person or the unfamiliar situation wasn’t safe—which doesn’t classify as shy. To label it very quickly as shy and then to have him hear that over and over that he’s shy and that just wasn’t true, just didn’t sit right with me.
I’ve learned to respond with: He isn’t shy, he’s just not very talkative right now.
There have been moments where I’m the only parent who’s child is with them, and everyone else’s kids are all playing together. Or when he doesn’t leave my side during a birthday party, refuses to let me put him down and tries to climb me like a tree for fear that I will. I initially felt very self-conscious in these situations and sometimes still do. Social pressures can be…well, pressuring. I had to really dig deep to see what that was about for me.
Sensitivity is not celebrated in our culture, so it can be tempting to override feelings to fit in.
Ori and I are both highly sensitive, which is a genetic trait. Situations like that can be overwhelming for both of us.
It’s been helpful for me to learn some things to say, so Ori knows I’m in his corner—to communicate that I acknowledge where he’s at, I’m present with him and whatever he’s feeling is OK—instead of getting him to do something he’s not comfortable doing, like persistently asking him to engage or stay in a situation he’s clearly not comfortable in. It’s easy to unconsciously dismiss his clingy-ness, telling him it’s ok (when he’s clearly feeling it is not), and to run along and go play with the other children (when he clearly doesn’t want to).
What To Say Instead Of “You’re So Shy”
These phrases have have been helpful for me when he’s hiding in my shoulder or clinging to me like a koala bear, maybe they will be for you, too:
You don’t feel like talking right now, and that’s OK. You don’t have to.
You can stay with me as long as you need.
You don’t have to accept/give hugs and kisses to/from everyone.
Here’s to understanding and appreciating sensitivity, our children’s nervous systems, and meeting them where they are.
Personally, it’s also an area of growth for me to further understand that people pleasing part of me that yearns to fit in, and realise that I can choose a different way of being.
Much love,
Lia